To Be Known and Seen So Deeply
To be known and seen so deeply
And to be loved fully and accepted in all of my parts
Last night I was debriefing a therapy session with Nico and revealed some very vulnerable layers to him.
The synthesized nuggets of my session:
I have an out of balance belief that there is value in suffering.
I value suffering so much, that I see the glass half empty.
My tipping point, where I will feel an abundance of flow, will come when I starting valuing ease.
I got scared that I wouldn't be accepted if I was seen as a "pessimistic."
I said, "Do you see me as a pessimist?"
He said, "No, I see that you can be pessimistic."
I said, "Ooofffhhh....I feel this intense contraction in my chest."
He asked, "Are you afraid that I won't like this part and some part of you is afraid I will leave?"
WTF??? He knows me so well (and I guess I am kind of predictable)! And he has kindness, care, and spaciousness for my scardest little parts.
We both started laughing out loud because all I said was, "I am noticing a contraction in my chest" and he knew my thoughts associated with it.
These thousands of moments we have had are the tapestry that make up our ever securing relationship. We love and tend to our most tender, scared parts.
He then floored me with his wisdom, as he often does.
He said, "There are times you are pessimistic, and there are times you are optimistic."
My whole body relaxed as this felt like a truth that rang true in my body.
It helped me realize I have a fear of being seen as a pessimist. And a belief associated with that is, "People don't like or want to be around pessimists, so whatever you do, don't be pessimistic."
And all of my efforts of trying not being pessimistic have been futile because what is true is I am pessimistic sometimes, and that is OK.
I actually despise hyper optimism maybe equally as I despise hyper pessimism.
So what I am taking away from this experience is:
I celebrate, appreciate and have gratitude for the way Nico continually supports my wounded parts which deepens our secure relationship.
I own, acknowledge and welcome the part of me that is pessimistic instead of banishing it or criticizing it.
And I am open to shifting my deep set belief that there is value in suffering to there is value in ease.
I will continue to do my ancestral healing so that my nervous system can have even more access to my parasympathetic nervous system!